Question for God

I know You know the answer but why?

For the umpteenth time in my life, I’ve come to realize, yet again, that things happen for a reason and in God’s time, we’ll understand why.

When I lost my job in November, I was devastated. Who wouldn’t want me as an employee? I’m smart and funny and I care about what I do. The fact that my life at work was a living hell had little to do with the fact that I needed the salary. I endured the criticism and bullshit at that place with the help and support of some wonderful folks. I call them friends now.

My girlfriend, Mary Anne, allowed me to accompany her to her chemotherapy treatments at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania. It was an honor and a privilege to spend time with her and experience her deep faith.

I spent a lot of time with my youngest brother and his wife and kids, I did a lot of babysitting/playing and it was very healing for me to be loved unconditionally after I had been so beaten up and battered at work (mentally).

When money got tight, my friend and former co-worker (who made his escape on his terms 6 months before my catastrophe) hired me to work with him at an exorbitant hourly rate and I’m still using money from those three months to pay bills. I also lived down the shore during this time, a treat even in winter and early spring!

I started to exercise and eat healthier. To date, I have ridden over 300 miles and lost 12 pounds. My goal is another 12 – 15 pounds by the end of September. Oh and another 450 miles!

Do you understand where I’m going? Do you realize, as I did last night, that God’s ways are not our ways and that gifts come in strange packages?

I spent a couple of hours with my girlfriend today. She is prepared for her death. There is a DVD of her life that she worked on with her brother. Her funeral service is planned, right down to the songs and readings. She and her family put together collages of pictures of friends and family. On Sunday, when I saw her she said “You’ve got to tell me how it went with your mom because I want to know what to expect.” I told her as matter-of-factly as I could how the end came for my mom. She also mentioned that she had letters she wanted to write to her son and daughter. She had a friend who wanted to do that before she died, but she never got the chance.

I spent the afternoon reading letters to her – letters that she had written two months ago to her mother- and father-in-law, three sisters, two brothers, mom and dad, son, daughter and husband. We made some additions and amendments. Then I printed them and she addressed envelopes and I stuffed and sealed them for her.

I pray that I have the grace to live as she is dying.

 

My New Prayer

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

From Wikipedia:

Thomas Merton (31 January 1915 – 10 December 1968) was one of the most influential Catholic authors of the 20th century. A Trappist monk of the Abbey of Our Lady of Gethsemani, in the American state of Kentucky, Merton was an acclaimed Catholic spiritual writer, poet, author and social activist. Merton wrote over 60 books, scores of essays and reviews, and is the ongoing subject of many biographies. Merton was also a proponent of inter-religious dialogue, engaging in spiritual dialogues with the Dalai Lama, Thich Nhat Hanh and D. T. Suzuki. His life and career were suddenly cut short at age 53, when he was electrocuted stepping out of his bath.

As Eileen says: “he was da bomb!” I like that he was a regular guy with human faults and failings but he still had this incredible love for his Redeemer. He came into the world, like everyone else, captive to a tainted ancestry of human selfishness, greed, and violence that would inexorably graft itself unto his own heart. And I love the prayer which Eileen shares so freely on her blog (in case you missed the link the first time!) and which Merton shared with us.
Here’s what I like about it… In this phase of life, the human, walking on earth life, we don’t know what’s to come. Nor do we know that we’re doing it right. We can best guess it and try our best. This line brings tears to my eyes, 

But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You.

And the next line lays me out, face down on the ground, heaving huge sobs, 

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I cry because I can now… but that’s another post. I pray, I really pray, that I will always have the desire to please God.  I know that I have faults and failings, like Merton, and that at this stage of my life, I should try to keep them in check. I mean Merton was 53 when he died and I’ve already outlived him by 3 years. 

 

So it’s time to get cracking. I’m way overdue. It’s time to curve that bitter tongue and those evil thoughts.  

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

God, I want to serve you with my whole being. So I’ll get out there on that bike and start praising while I’m cycling to better health. And I won’t binge on hot wings and Texas Toast anymore… only healthy foods for me! And I will put other’s needs before mine, because really, what do I need?

 

Creator, your world is beautiful. Help me to fit into that beauty somewhere, somehow.